How to Help Kids Cope with Death
Foreward by Caroline Tran
Shortly after school went virtual for the first time, my 9 year old's teacher took a leave of absence for personal reasons. She had been gone for over a month and though we missed her, we didn't have time to put much thought into it as we were still consumed with navigating virtual learning, and trying to make sense of this pandemic. I figure she needed some time away and respected that.
One morning, as we routinely checked our emails from school to see what's on the agenda, we got an email that my son's teacher had passed away from complications from COVID-19. That came down like a ton of bricks on us. COVID-19, up until that moment, had been an abstract and surreal concept for us. We hear about it all the time, but until that moment, it had not hit close to home yet.
After processing it for myself, I realized that I would have to tell my son. We ended up being very honest and straightforward with him, which he took as well as a 9 year old could, and then we followed up with getting him counseling sessions to further process his feelings.
For those of you who have had to talk to your kids about death, how did you approach it?
For those who haven't needed to, I hope you don't for a long time. If you find yourself needing to have this tough conversation with your kid(s) though, I reached out to the therapist at Richstone for advice on how we can talk about this difficult topic with our kids.
By Sonia Park & Richstone Staff
No child is too young to be affected by the death. Whether it is the loss of a grandparent, parent, teacher or friend, grieving can be difficult for children. Based on their personality and developmental age, each child grieves differently and, therefore, it’s important for adults to know ways in which they can support them through the process.
Answer the questions they ask and be simple, gentle and direct. Since kids are naturally curious, be prepared to give a brief explanation of the death. Start with the most basic layer of facts and hold space to add additional information if asked by your child.
Let your child lead the conversation and encourage them to express any feelings and thoughts that might come forward. As long as it’s done in a calm and compassionate way, explanations can be shorter, simpler and more direct. Avoid using euphemisms like “passed away” or “no longer here” since abstract words and phrases can cause confusion and additional anxiety.
Provide comfort and listen without judgement. Death can make children fearful about the future. Be there to offer hugs or reassurance and give your child a chance to talk about their fears. Listen to their experiences and feelings without jumping in to judge, evaluate or fix. Avoid negating (“I know just how you feel” or “move on”) and instead validate their emotions, helping them regain a sense of safety, balance and control.
Give your child choices. Allow them the opportunity to grieve in their own way - offer choices in what they do or don't do to memorialize the deceased and how they express their feelings about the death.
Allow your child time to heal from loss. Processing grief happens over time. Have open and ongoing conversations with your child to see how they are doing and encourage them to remember the person who died by sharing happy memories. Part of the healing process is remembering the person and letting joyful memories spark good feelings that can lift us up.
While you can’t protect children from life’s losses and pain, you can play a major role in helping them feel secure and cope in the healthiest way possible. Remember that it’s equally important to acknowledge feelings you may be experiencing and to take care of yourself, too.
For more information on ways to help a child cope with loss -
Web Resources:
Books for Children:
“The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst
“The Memory Box: A Book About Grief” by Joanna Rowland
